my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
