If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
