Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I could fuck to npr.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
