booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Dignity is for republicans.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I want her autograph on my taint
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
