Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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