omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
