he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
