hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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