i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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