mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
no, he came in my armpit
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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