There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
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