Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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