I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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