Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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