no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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