I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
