i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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