I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Randomize
