I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just want nice things and good sex
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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