a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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