i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
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Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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