I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
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We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
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I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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