I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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