I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So much rum. So many feels.
Randomize
