I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
