He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
