high people should be assigned attendants
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
