Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Vodka?
Forever.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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