ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
