you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
