Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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