oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
