i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
