I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
