bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
