I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
