I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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