I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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