My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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