I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
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I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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