Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
