She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
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I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
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Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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