We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
