if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
