bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
