nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
