Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
