I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
