You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The power of my boobs compel you
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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