It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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