its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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