Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
We got so high we made milksteak
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
