I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
