i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
