Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
