And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
