So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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