omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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