Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
