Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
