Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
