I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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