I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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