I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
